I wandered into Starbucks again this morning seeking to validate my already bloated sense of self importance via a grand American morning tradition--by ordering a caffeine concoction with over six words in its name, and which costs more than your average egg and cheese sandwich. With the help of my enabling baristas, I would again exit with the illusion that my drink was tailor-made for me, even if it had been ordered a thousand times that way and probably tasted no different from ten other drinks on the menu. For the first time, I saw small paper shot glasses full of extra dark coffee at the register available for taste tests. Something was amiss....

Who could have predicted that America's much hyped "recession" would impact my life first via caffeine? Friends, I'm not gonna sugar coat it: We're entering the Dust Bowl years Part II. Like an aging trophy wife, Starbucks has tired of trying to be the prettiest and most popular babe in order to court our attention and financial funding. She's going back to basics. Last week, Starbucks announced that they're cutting much of the food menu and (gasp!) unveiled a new brew called Pike Place Roast, conceived to compete with McDonalds and Dunkin Donuts' coffees (a little like Nicole Kidman trying to beat up those WWF chicks).

Well color me humbled as I raise my unsatisfying new discount roast to proclaim "mission accomplished!" Compared to their other roasts' exotic names, Pike Place Roast definitely lowers the bar dramatically. For those not familiar with the origin of the name (apparently it's a market where the first Starbucks opened), "Pike Place" conjures up the sort of truck stop where even the coffee's looking for a way out and they don't give out a bathroom key 'cause the lock ain't workin' anyhow (I'm talking to you Breezewood, PA).

And the economic timing couldn't be a better excuse. Sure, they can blame it on the recession, or on our outrageous consumerism, or Ryan Seacrest, but myself and all the other coffee drinking architects/addicts recognize the real impetus behind this: They just got tired of people ordering a coffee 16 different ways. They want to serve the coffee the way it was meant to be served--scorching hot, bitter and the same every time. Communist coffee if you will.

If we're still suffering from withdrawal in a few weeks, well, they'd like to remind us that we're free to take our high fallutin' taste buds down to the nearest McDonald's and harass the first "barista" we see.