Our long national nightmare is over. The results are in. No need to disenfranchise any more black voters. No need to ship the faulty election machines into prominently Democratic districts. Or run any more negative commercials. Dust off the Bible. Polish the pearls. Our next President has been chosen and it will be...JOHN EDWARDS! That's right. The fifteenth Osmond. Good ole Bachelor #3.

Let's find out who America has chosen. Cue funky cocktail music and make the voice in your head sound like Don Pardo:

"He's not your run of the mill inexperienced cup of café au lait. And he's not the cold and calculated 'Schtupford Wife.' He's a self-made, white southern Democrat--the only kind of Democrat who has won a National Election since Kennedy. He has a penchant for fancy haircuts and Universal Health Insurance. He may be the obvious third choice, but, hey, so was Abe Lincoln at one point. He loves his wife, has three rows of teeth and fights for the little man...And here he is!"

(Now, America; blanche as he comes around the corner, all toothy smile. His hands held out for an awkward hug.)

Okay, Donny. Tell them what they've won.

"A new car! Yes, a hybrid with higher café standards that will run on alternative fuel thus eliminating our dependency on foreign oil. And...a trip to Germany...for all our devoted service men and women as they weave their way home from Iraq! But that's not all. Because John Edwards and you are going home today with...Supreme Allied Commander Wesley Clark as his running mate! A military man with international diplomatic experience to help clean up the mess that we've all been given by our idiot president and his imperialistic cronies. So, there you have it folks. As this election season does something Mike Huckabee can't fathom--evolves--Edwards/Clark will emerge as the only ticket capable of winning the White House and unifying the country."

Now, can we get back to something important like just who is Jamie Lynn's baby's daddy?