I begin with a declaration. I am not now talking about God. God, if he/she/it exists can speak for him/her/itself. What I want to know is this: What in God's name is up with all these devoutly religious yahoos running for be president?

We're all taught that our Founding Fathers were the greatest thinkers and philosophers of all time. But, let's be real. Our great nation was founded by a bunch of drunken enlightened deists and six-day atheists who ran away from public declarations of faith. They were too busy banging their bar wenches (and slaves) and smoking their hemp. Washington and Jefferson and Franklin and Hamilton. These are the faces on our money! Slave-owning, whore mongering, land grabbing men of the Enlightenment! I know, and John Adams, but he's not on any money. You want to know why? Probably the same reason he needed all that saltpeter.

Forget the fact that Sally Hemmings was Thomas Jefferson's slave. She was also the half-sister of Martha Jefferson! How Jerry Springer is that?

Recently, archaeologists from the Franklin Institute were digging around Ben Franklin's home in Philadelphia and they found--and I'm not making this up--a wooden dildo! Maybe that's why Big Ben was trying to cultivate electricity.

These are the attributes that defined our greatest men.

Now, every candidate and their so-called savior are trying to rub their religious bona fides in our faces. Well, this face for one is tired of all this sanctified hoo-ha. Why do I need to know that Hillary attends a power bible study class? Why, after decades of Scarlet Pimpernel-inspired brilliance is Trudy dancing with his Catholicism like it's a future wife?

It scares the bejesus out of me to think that some Huckleberry, who used to be a fat, slick evangelist is now connecting with the people because he's so "real." I'm happy that he lost a hundy and is comfortable in his own skin. Doesn't mean I want Richard Simmons anywhere near my Oval Office.

And, of course, there's Field Marshal Mitt Romney, Mormon extraordinaire. Mitt wants me to believe it's a good thing that Jesus will be his co-pilot on Air Force One. Now, I love Mormons. They helped finance Las Vegas. But, come on! Dude's granddaddy was big pimpin'.

I want my president to be honest about his dishonesty. I want him to be a sinner. To proudly chase tail. To govern pragmatically, but put a smooth positive spin on things. To use the Church as it should be used. As an enabling tool for his bad behavior. Dear Lord. I WANT BILL CLINTON!