The Schmidt-Palin campaign is unleashing front man John McCain from the heavily-scripted, tightly-disciplined message that had come to characterize the campaign in recent weeks.

In the first of several three-minute ad buys that will run in battleground states, John McCain will talk directly to the camera and rant Crazy-Uncle style about the Illinois Senator, Barack Obama. Abandoning subtle jabs at Obama's race, patriotism, religion and manhood, the Republican nominee is expected to henceforth, "call a spade a spade," according to the intern who was responsible for making the tequila run prior to the taping of the spots.

While a transcript was not immediately available, sources present during the taping suggest that the Arizona Senator relied on hyphenated descriptions of the first African-American nominee for President and "lots of run-on sentences" in contrasting his own ethnicity and Christian heritage against that of his half-white, half-black opponent.

Once know for his Straight Talk, John McCain has more recently been attacked in progressive circles for being crotchety, confused, border-line demented and exceedingly rich. In a daring act of political jujitsu, McCain apparently will see those charges and raise them--agreeing with Senator Obama that there are neither Red states nor Blue states, just are 50 white ones.

"Truly, John McCain speaks for all of us who believe that the American people are fundamentally decent, hard-working folk who don't want a black man to be President and who think the French suck," said campaign strategist Steve Schmidt.

Schmidt, who went on to curse out gays, foreigners, and uppity Negroes, in general, and Michelle Obama in particular, also agreed that "technically" he (Schmidt) was not the GOP's nominee for the country's highest office, before adding that just because the checks said "John McCain" on them didn't mean that they weren't deposited in the bank account that said "Steve Schmidt."

Asked if he thought the tone of the campaign had gotten excessively nasty or personal in recent weeks, Schmidt seemed momentarily to get misty-eyed.

"You don't get it, do you? You have no clue how close white people are from being toppled from power, do you? Do you?"

Turning to his Vice Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, who had just recorded a personal best two minutes without blinking, Schmidt observed:

"See what we're up against? If these aren't the end times, then what are?"

To which Governor Palin simply offered up an 'amen' while applying drops of Visine to her bloodshot eyes.